Oh, the things i think of......3

my life is one problem after another. however, i dont waste time thinking i will never solve them. see, i may whine and complain that i have too many or that i have done enough work, and need to see some results, but i will never say that i cant solve these issues. i'll say they are hard, i'll say that i wish i didnt have so many, but i will NEVER say i cant solve them. there are many things i cant solve, but i am determined to find a solution to my problems. no matter what that means!! however, i probably wont be able to stick 100% to that, but no one is perfect. we are all bound to make mistakes. we are only human, after all. plus, im not exactly 100% myself.........

Oh, the things i think of pt 3

So......today has been ruff, but it definatly didnt end in flames. At least, i dont think it did. My one problem is this: i need to listen to my brother. I knew i should have listend to him years ago, but me being stupid, i didnt....and look where its gotten me..........at any rate, im going to pick up the pace. Tomorrow i turn the page, not because i want to, but because i have to. Easier said than done, i know, but i gotta start somewhere if i wanna be able to live my life the way i want..

Oh, the things i think of pt 2

I know im not the smartest person when it comes to cars, but i do feel the need to express that u dont need to be a car expert to have a car. Granted, it helps, but it isnt required. At least not if ur simply riding around in it.

One thing i find entertaining is to look at all the things people say u need & figure out if its true or if they are making money scams to better their profits. Idk, maybe its just me, but i do feel the need to comunicate to all just how wrong this is! I mean, yeah, money makes the world go round, but do we really need to scam each other to make a profit???

These are my thoughts. Waaay more to come! Stay tuned!!

A Day I dont remember pt 1

On this day, i am thinking of going all out and saying "9/11 was terrible, but is it bad to not remember it?" i mean, i was 10 years old when it happened. Do i sound like a disloyal US citizen because i dont remember what was going on at the time?? I sure hope not. I mean, i was only 10, for christs sake!!! I havent exactly gotten past that, and i do feel for all that has happened. But, i was only 10, so i cant be blamed for not remembering what happened. Right? At any rate, i should head out. TALD for now......

My One True Fear is Becoming My Mother

My one wish in life, to put it simply, is to be everything my mother is not. She is unsuccessful, unhealthy, and has a dingy, dirty apartment that is in serious need of repairs.  She also has a lot of cleaning to do. I have been able to withstand this, but I don’t think I will be able to ignore the fact that my mother needs help. I wish she wasn’t so hard to handle, but I guess beggars really can’t be choosers. I have grown a lot in my life, and my mother is simply too screwed up to care anymore. She will die if she continues on this path. However, she doesn’t care about the fact that she is hurting me by doing this. She thinks we all don’t care about her, because when we want something from her is when we are nice to her. While I’m not saying this isn’t true, I do say that my mother brings all that upon herself. If she wasn’t such a hassle, then we wouldn’t have such a hard time with her. She knows this, too, and simply decides that it is not her fault. Well it is, to tell you the truth. It always has and always will be. I don’t know when I will get over this, but I guess it helps to write it down.

                One problem about my mother is that she is stubborn as a mule, and she seems to find nothing wrong with that. However, I, my brother and my sister know it’s a problem. And we have tried and failed multiple times in trying to fix this…..

                My life has been a hazard left and right. It has been full of tough choices and big risks. I don’t have a lot of money, and I just left an interview, praying that I will get the job. If not, well, at least I tried. I’m trying not to heavily rely on SSI, but for me right now, that’s kind of hard. Although I think I’ll be a good fit for this position, and it’s through school, too, I feel that I will not be able to make a big splash with this. I am so out of it, and I only had one interview. But, in my never ending quest to be all that my mother is not, I’m going to have many days like this. That’s one of the things I need to do. And I don’t think I will have an easy tim3 with it. But, that’s life, and to accomplish my dream, I have to do this. I have to go to an interview ready and willing to be able to show confidence and prove that I am a good candidate for the position, which is Administrative Assistant, by the way. Yeah, I know, it’s not glamorous, but it’s a job. And I need one very badly. I pray I am accepted, ad that I am able to do the job right. I think I have a shot, but I will keep my fingers crossed just in caser. Man, I am praying that I get this job. This is just another day where I prove I can be better than my mother. And that day will come.

Something Im Not So Sure Of.....

Ever get hyped about something, then start to wonder if you should be?? well, that happens a lot with me.....i know i have my moments, but they never seem to be that altering in my thinking that i feel i need to get out of my own despair........................the other day (or rather, a couple months or weeks ago) i had gotten into an argument with my roomie. she was angry, i was angry, and we ended the day with a fuming rage neither of us could quell. then, ever since, things seemed tense between us. then, for these past 3 weeks, things have been awesome, for the most part, between us. our home is being turned inside out by all the residents, and yet we have managed to, though not vocally, settle our dispute for now and have learned, again not vocally, to coexist for the time being. i am naturally a very observant person, and i have noticed how we have had our highs and lows, but this time was different. this time, i have seen something in us that i hadn't noticed before. i have seen the worst in our relationship, & i have seen the best, but after that fateful day, it seems we have both made a true, ground breaking move ever closer to the one thing we both seem to want: a place of our own & a life we both need. at any rate, i reckon she wants the same as me, because we have had a fun time together lately and i have seen a side of her that reminds me of some very important things in my life. for right now things are smooth, but we shall see..........

Wow, the days.....

I think i went through a state of depression, seeing as i had plenty of chances to update my site and my blog, but never did. i think my Program Director, and advocate, Renee Pederson's desicion to put me in charge of contacting people for my finances was the first thing that woke me up from my depressive sleep. i think i need another boost to stay up, but i dont know what to do........or what that boost may be...........i wish i could fight this war with better weapons. for now, i may as well continue on and fight. it may be hard, but ill manage. i've beaten my depression before, im sure ill do it again.

Oh, the things i think of......(pt. 1)

wow.........its been a while since i last posted.......kinda sad, really. any way, for this post, im  actually going to try to get my head straight. i know thats not always possible, but im seriously doubtful that i will not be able to sort out some of this mess. any way, i truely do want to sort out what im thinking. its just not that easy for me. im alway drifting off, and today seems to be a big day drifter for me. i am seriously considering not going to my class tonight simply because im just too out of it. i think its my pain killers that are doing the trick........i don't know, maybe im just getting too tired.......who knows..........