My One True Fear is Becoming My Mother

My "Loving" Mother

My one wish in life, to put it simply, is to be everything my mother is not. She is unsuccessful, unhealthy, and has a dingy, dirty apartment that is in serious need of repairs.  She also has a lot of cleaning to do. I have been able to withstand this, but I don’t think I will be able to ignore the fact that my mother needs help. I wish she wasn’t so hard to handle, but I guess beggars really can’t be choosers. I have grown a lot in my life, and my mother is simply too screwed up to care anymore. She will die if she continues on this path. However, she doesn’t care about the fact that she is hurting me by doing this. She thinks we all don’t care about her, because when we want something from her is when we are nice to her. While I’m not saying this isn’t true, I do say that my mother brings all that upon herself. If she wasn’t such a hassle, then we wouldn’t have such a hard time with her. She knows this, too, and simply decides that it is not her fault. Well it is, to tell you the truth. It always has and always will be. I don’t know when I will get over this, but I guess it helps to write it down.

ok, so i wanted to state that i wrote this little thing eons ago. im only sharing it now because i only recently found it. though there wasnt much to this post, its still worth mentioning. i only feel this way because a lot of things my mom does makes me feel uncomfterble. and its not that she is embarassing. not in the slightest. she just..........erks me in many ways. since this was an old piece, i decided to underline it. so, if you see anything i write have underlined text, its probably an old piece of writing. i do love my mother, im not saying i dont. im just fearful of actually inheriting her more...atrotious habits and lifestyle doings. she is doing some good, but i feel its not enough......but, theres not much i can do about that at the moment.....so, for now, i leave you with this: regardless what you do, ALWAYS push foward, only looking back when you need a refference for something. i know looking back has helped me go into a lot of situations with a more prepaired air to my presence. so, i will state that and be on my way. see you next post.

And here i am!!! Trust, theres more to come!!!

so, its been a while. a lot has happened, and i am thinking heavy about a lot of things. one in particular, dear friends, is this: i am wondering what it is like to truely live out a normal existance. no, im not in a bad mood, or going to harm myself, i just feel off. i swear, im fine, i just needed a little time to get my self straight before i wrote this. see, im not exactly blogging just cuz. originally, i was to blog to introduce my art, my own thoughts on things, and to inform and answer questions. i still have a lot to learn, and i want to make this blog as personal, yet user friendly, as i can.

i am having sad thoughts, and as i mentioned earlier, i have been wondering what life would be like if thinngs were normal. if life didnt have all the crazy crap in it, what would it be like? would we have all the things in this realm? would they be the same? does public transportation exist? does it even bother people? am i the only one who imagines all this?



you know what i say, my friends? I say this question, THESE questions, will never be answered. and i have come to a very good reason why: normal, it seems, tends to be more a constant, never changing pattern, that tends to stay in a constant rotation and does not deter from that rotation. so, then, what is my reason? its this:

the only way normal would exist in our real lives

is if we all were the same being,

all were the same culture,

all loved the same music,

we all made the music,

we all, as a group, made our world do

the same thing over, and over, and over again.

besides that, mother nature is the other part of this. though i wont bore you with that end of the story, i will state that a lot of mother nature is not normal, and she intentionally makes things that distrupt that stream of normal....

at any rate, for today, i leave you with this. i will post more, but i am also busy with other things, so i wont always be able to blog my thoughts. but, i promise, my friends, i will put more effort. for starting this day and this week, i will be doing more to keep myself in check, and offer all that i wanted this blog to be....see you all next post!!!!!

Me giving a lazy Peace



The Long Awaited News!!! Now I can post more!!!

ok, i know this post may be long, but trust me when i say, its a read you will want to know fully.it took me a while to get this done, & i hope you will enjoy it, and share with others who might be a little curious to see into a world where not many but those involved seem to know. there is far more to this, so if interest takes hold, let me know...

Ok, I admit, it’s been a while. I haven’t posted anything up, because before I did, I wanted to share some big news. After retyping this post so many times, I thought to hell with all the editing. To hell with all the damn BS. With all the nice stuff….it won’t work for me….at all. so, I decided to just spill it. After much procrastinating and many sleepless nights, here it is: I had moved from a previous placement to the one I am currently at.

Why is this such a big deal? Well, those who know my history will understand, & those who know me personally as well have already dealt with this news. You see, dear readers, I am something many would scoff at, and many would feel sorry for. I, sadly, am a foster child. Now, you may be wondering “wait, she’s 20 and in foster care?” to you, I say yes, I am 20 years of age and am also currently a child of the system. No, I don’t like it. Yes, it is possible to be past 18 and still be in the system. It all depends on your case. I signed back in so that I could get help with college. I know to most that may seem stupid, but to all those who think I should have toughed it out, I say go to hell. I had actually made a smart decision, and it has benefited me to some point. So screw your attitude. For you all to truly understand, know that I have been in the system for all my life. Since I was 6-7 years old. I have been in the system a while, and this move is big for a reason.

You see, for most of my life, when moving from one place to another, it was either a foster home or a program. I had been to many foster homes, & have lived at many programs. I know quite a lot. At any rate, before I delve deeper into this current move situation, you must understand why it is such a big deal.

In foster homes, the whole purpose is for a child to have some form of normality. To live in a more “safe” environment than their own home. That’s true for some in the system, but not overall. Because, as I mentioned before, it all depends on your case. I am not so sure what the beginning process is, but I know the journey. Now, you’re probably wondering why being in foster homes, a home with a different family, might be a big issue in terms of socializing and such. Well, I’m not sure if it was just me, or it constantly happens, but in my case, all my foster homes limited my social interactions. I was also banned from TV & radio for a lot of my life. Then, when I went into a program, things were even worse.

When you live in a program, there are always some things that stay the same, though each program is structured differently. One thing that is consistent is a system they use to control the clients behaviors (or residents or kids, depending). One such thing is a level system. Depending on the program, sometimes a higher level meant you got privileges, others it means you’re not allowed to do anything. Some places have something else that serves a similar purpose. There is one that is considered a “color palette”, in which varying colors mark what you are able to do or not do. As an example (it’s currently the only one I can remember) if you were on the purple palette, you could use the homes computer, or cook with a staff member present, and go out shopping for food or clothes. Other than that, you were in either the living room or your own room. Not the dining room, or the activity room, or anywhere else. I was either on that palette, the brown palette, or the rose palette, since the red palette was for a particular type of client. Even though I didn’t spend too long at that program, I did spend enough time there to learn that programs way of taking care of the clients. More on programs and such at a later date. If anyone actually wants to know, that is.

At any rate, I told you all this in order to explain the big deal of my move, and to share with you all my own personal feelings on said home. But that last part will be at a later date. Now, I know a lot of that was harsh, rude and so many other things, but I had to let all that out up front. Why, you ask? Well, because if I didn’t, you wouldn’t understand the next part of this post. See, as this post should still be about, I moved from one program to another.

You see, my old program I couldn’t stay at. The reason being, as far as I understand, was because of the ever popular age limit. In many programs, they cannot have clients past a certain age. With a few exceptions, you usually stayed there for the time needed and then left. I was actually there PAST the age limit, but because I was going to school, & actively doing well, they didn’t complain much about my stay there. But, I had to move, & though the move wasn’t that great, & my now home is a little bit of hell (more on the new home at a later time). But, I know that things will look up. Why? Well, keep a lookout for a post explaining this in more detail…

(my new home, day/night shots)

Dude, WTH, Man????

(Ok, before I blow off some steam, let me fill you in: I have come across much hype over a web comic called home stuck. I loved it after reading it, but am not so sure I’m as crazy about it as some people have been. Anyway, I think the story is pretty sweet, and I’m going to continue reading it!!!

Now that you know this posts history, here’s the upstart: something happened in the story that I didn’t like, so I typed a little rant to vent my anger. After about an hour, I decided to make it shorter, more appropriate, and post it on said blog. However, I couldn’t resist the last comment, so forgive me, dear readers, for continuing a very poor habit of mine!!)

Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? Ok, whatever. I’m just saying……what am I talking about here?? Well, when Dave played a horrendous prank on John to simply pry into Rose’s privacy. As we of the human race would state, he is being cruel and “killing two birds with one stone”, as well as making poor pushover John do something terrible. Then, a few moments later, John takes a peek at something he shouldn’t have (but was technically his to begin with, which creates a weird circumstance) and decides to put it officially in his possession without poor Roses permission. Are these males even, in the smallest of ways, emotionally aware of Rose at this point??? You think they would be, but I suppose our lives are just too frustratingly complicated. Us females, I mean. We seem to not give a damn about our lives. And we are going to get our lives in order someday, when our lives bear fruit, and we may live up to our true goals and expectations….maybe….

Fuck the mess that is the male universe!!!!!

(Phew! Ok, now I am over that little rant! Well, not really, but for the moment any way. Now, if ya want some real blog action, read my next post. I kind of did this just to put my thoughts at ease for a while on male vs. female interactions. Or rather, one in particular. Anyway, unless you have a good reason not to, look for my next post!!!!! I have very vital information for the world!!! And anyone who reads my blog!! Btw, the next post will give some juicy tid-bits on the prior news mention, and I hope you will make an effort to give it a read!!!! See you then!!!)

Wow...i should write more often....

OMG, I can’t believe that after so long of thinking of entries and doing so much, I STILL have a shitty blog. I’m trying to keep up with it, but it doesn’t seem to work out with my schedule. I’m not going to delete all my accounts however. That will take too damn long, for one. And for two, I don’t want to spend weeks backing up my data. I already did that with my FB account, & I don’t want to do that again….however, I just might have to. See, I have many accounts to stuff, and as I said earlier, it will take too damn long to erase them all and start over. Some accounts I have not opened in a long time, others were one-night stands. Some I keep up with, because I use them either constantly or as a part of some other account. But whatever, I suppose……

I really think I should at least type up more posts or something, but I guess only time will tell with me. It’s not that I want to be lazy, dear readers; I just feel that I am losing out on all the accounts have to offer. I simply need a way of managing my few well-worn from use accounts. I deleted my FB, & am waiting for the official deletion (which is Feb. 3, I might add). Another account I need to edit is my website through webs.com, which I haven’t touched in almost a full year now…..damn, I need to get the ball rolling this year!!!

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It seems, dear readers, that 2012 is starting to look like the year humanity changes and finally accepts its newer core values. Not to say that is a bad thing, but it certainly seems to give out an aura of rejuvenation. Or it could just be that we humans have developed another way or path to self-destruction. I am not one to judge, for I am quite possibly one of those humans, but it seems that all are focused on 2012 and the years to come.

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I am in a rut right now, simply due to all I am with-holding, but I am open and ready for what this new year may/will bring. Though I may be wrong to think 2012 will be a big, positive year, I am also not going to give up in my ever daunting search for the perfect redemption and relief from past struggles. As always, I am babbling & not making much sense, but at least I’m opening up in a more productive kind of way. And at least I have a way of being on top of my future, even if all is not set in stone just yet……

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Well, I suppose I will take things both step by step and with a grain of salt for now. Better that than starting every day with headaches and back problems!!!! ;-}