My One True Fear is Becoming My Mother

My "Loving" Mother

My one wish in life, to put it simply, is to be everything my mother is not. She is unsuccessful, unhealthy, and has a dingy, dirty apartment that is in serious need of repairs.  She also has a lot of cleaning to do. I have been able to withstand this, but I don’t think I will be able to ignore the fact that my mother needs help. I wish she wasn’t so hard to handle, but I guess beggars really can’t be choosers. I have grown a lot in my life, and my mother is simply too screwed up to care anymore. She will die if she continues on this path. However, she doesn’t care about the fact that she is hurting me by doing this. She thinks we all don’t care about her, because when we want something from her is when we are nice to her. While I’m not saying this isn’t true, I do say that my mother brings all that upon herself. If she wasn’t such a hassle, then we wouldn’t have such a hard time with her. She knows this, too, and simply decides that it is not her fault. Well it is, to tell you the truth. It always has and always will be. I don’t know when I will get over this, but I guess it helps to write it down.

ok, so i wanted to state that i wrote this little thing eons ago. im only sharing it now because i only recently found it. though there wasnt much to this post, its still worth mentioning. i only feel this way because a lot of things my mom does makes me feel uncomfterble. and its not that she is embarassing. not in the slightest. she just..........erks me in many ways. since this was an old piece, i decided to underline it. so, if you see anything i write have underlined text, its probably an old piece of writing. i do love my mother, im not saying i dont. im just fearful of actually inheriting her more...atrotious habits and lifestyle doings. she is doing some good, but i feel its not enough......but, theres not much i can do about that at the moment.....so, for now, i leave you with this: regardless what you do, ALWAYS push foward, only looking back when you need a refference for something. i know looking back has helped me go into a lot of situations with a more prepaired air to my presence. so, i will state that and be on my way. see you next post.

And here i am!!! Trust, theres more to come!!!

so, its been a while. a lot has happened, and i am thinking heavy about a lot of things. one in particular, dear friends, is this: i am wondering what it is like to truely live out a normal existance. no, im not in a bad mood, or going to harm myself, i just feel off. i swear, im fine, i just needed a little time to get my self straight before i wrote this. see, im not exactly blogging just cuz. originally, i was to blog to introduce my art, my own thoughts on things, and to inform and answer questions. i still have a lot to learn, and i want to make this blog as personal, yet user friendly, as i can.

i am having sad thoughts, and as i mentioned earlier, i have been wondering what life would be like if thinngs were normal. if life didnt have all the crazy crap in it, what would it be like? would we have all the things in this realm? would they be the same? does public transportation exist? does it even bother people? am i the only one who imagines all this?



you know what i say, my friends? I say this question, THESE questions, will never be answered. and i have come to a very good reason why: normal, it seems, tends to be more a constant, never changing pattern, that tends to stay in a constant rotation and does not deter from that rotation. so, then, what is my reason? its this:

the only way normal would exist in our real lives

is if we all were the same being,

all were the same culture,

all loved the same music,

we all made the music,

we all, as a group, made our world do

the same thing over, and over, and over again.

besides that, mother nature is the other part of this. though i wont bore you with that end of the story, i will state that a lot of mother nature is not normal, and she intentionally makes things that distrupt that stream of normal....

at any rate, for today, i leave you with this. i will post more, but i am also busy with other things, so i wont always be able to blog my thoughts. but, i promise, my friends, i will put more effort. for starting this day and this week, i will be doing more to keep myself in check, and offer all that i wanted this blog to be....see you all next post!!!!!

Me giving a lazy Peace